2025 Career Advice From Your Aunt Joan Who Thinks LinkedIn Is a Dating App
"Follow Your Passion"
Only when the time is right. Because landlords aren't totally cool with being paid in polished rocks and mixtapes. Follow a job that lets you afford Trader Joe’s snacks, and let passion follow you once your bills are covered.
"Work Hard, Stay Late, and They’ll Notice You"
Oh, they’ll notice you. As the fool still sending emails at 10 p.m. while they’re on their second Netflix binge. No one promotes the office ghost haunting Slack after hours (it's me, HI, I'm the ghost it's me).
"Just Be Yourself" in Interviews
Yeah, definitely let them know you hate small talk, binge-watch trash TV and argue with strangers on Reddit. OR... tailor your "self" to be the most competent, non-chaotic version of you. Save the real you for coworkers who can’t escape after onboarding.
"If You Love What You Do, You’ll Never Work a Day in Your Life"
NO. WHO COMES UP WITH THIS GARBAGE. You’ll work. You’ll work weekends, holidays, and during your own birthday dinner if you’re not careful. Loving what you do means you’ll RESENT IT LESS. Coming from someone who is literally living her dream, it's STILL WORK.
"Fake It Till You Make It"
Pretend you know how to use Google until your incompetence explodes in your inbox. Cool, except if you're faking Excel formulas and now everyone’s budget is off by $40k. Confidence is delightful, but competence will save you.
"Quit If You’re Unhappy"
Oh, for sure, just quit. Who needs income? The best revenge isn’t quitting in a blaze of glory (but feel free to do that on repeat in your head)... it's job-hunting like a stealth ninja, landing a better job, for more money and taking your work bestie with you when you leave.
"Networking Is Just Talking to People"
Networking is JUST talking to people, sure, if people are LinkedIn robots trapped in flesh suits. Instead just bribe them with a donut they didn't think they wanted and ask literally anything besides “What do you do?” We ALL hate that question. Dogs, talk about dogs... always.
"Always Say Yes to Opportunity"
Sure, if by “opportunity” you mean “getting voluntold to run the company’s ugly sweater contest at the holiday happy hour.” Say yes to things that build your career, not your stress ulcer.
"Dress for the Job You Want"
Absolutely nothing screams "future CEO" like sweating through a blazer that still has a tag on it that you put on a credit card. Wear what makes you feel like the boss you already are.
"Stay Humble"
Right, because if you don’t downplay your achievements, how else will Chad from accounting swoop in and present your $500k save like he wasn’t on a “long lunch” during crunch time? Being humble isn’t about stepping aside for Office Bro Supreme, it’s about standing tall while Chad googles “what is ROI?”
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